I'm not keen on New Year's Resolutions because they imply we are not good enough…
I want to look at why people cheat from a perspective you may not have considered before. If you can see what has happened differently then it is so much easier to heal feelings of betrayal. It helps you to let it go and move on after your divorce or breakup.
Being cheated on says nothing about your worth.
People cheat because they are looking outside themselves for a feeling that is missing in their life. Instead of looking at themselves they look to either be rescued from a situation by someone else, or to rescue another. They want someone to be there for them in a way that makes them feel good about themselves. Alternatively they want to feel good by being appreciated and acknowledged by another.
Serial cheating is serial avoidance of looking at the self
If someone is unhappy in a relationship, instead of working out why they are unhappy and making the changes needed, they are looking externally for the answer. Why do they cheat? They look to another to be responsible for making their life what they want it to be. Which is why people can be serial cheaters; in practice, it’s actually serial avoidance of looking at the self.
Serial cheaters are those who, by the very act of wanting to either be rescued by someone or seek someone to rescue, are looking for a way to build up their own sense of self-worth. They don’t feel good about themselves; they see the relationship as the cause, blame the other, and want to know if it is possible to find the feeling they are searching for elsewhere and with someone else.
Tough love alert!
I want this to be very clear to you if you are feeling broken by betrayal. You are not responsible for another’s behaviour. That’s not to say you can sit back though and in turn feel justified to blame because it’s also true you chose each other. I know that’s a tough one to acknowledge! The way out and up though is to take an honest look at ourselves, our behaviour and patterns, and really value ourselves.
The way forward is to look at how you can ‘rescue’ yourself. When you improve your sense of self, when you have a healthy self-identity, you will attract another who similarly has a strong sense of self and with whom being rescued or rescuing plays no part.
A relationship breakup is a good time to look at who you are, and to rediscover yourself whilst having the freedom of not being in a relationship. Being single for a while doesn’t mean you’ll never have another relationship again. By healing yourself you will set a strong foundation for your future. Then you will be much less likely to have your world rocked like that again.
Further, when you unveil who you really are you’ll be more than pleasantly surprised at what you find. You are the star of your own show!
Cheering you on in your new life,
Have you checked out my book ‘Rise Again After Divorce’ yet?
It’s available as an eBook, paperback and on audio and you can find it on Amazon here