As you move on and start making a new start after your divorce, you will…
Feeling rejected by divorce is common, but we don’t have to stay there. It’s true that a relationship breakup can press that ‘Rejected And Unworthy’ button very hard indeed! And once triggered, the insecurities and all those painful feelings of not being good enough come out in force.
The thing with having your buttons pressed, is that the issue is inside already. It’s just been temporarily covered over and is waiting for the next outing. And going through a divorce will give that REJECTED button an almighty big press!
How To Handle The Pain Of Rejection When Going Through A Divorce
A while ago I had a conversation with some friends who had all experienced distressing breakups.
The first said hers was the worst because her husband had left her for a younger, taller, slimmer, prettier woman, an experience that made her feel inadequate. The next said no—it was even worse to be left, as she had been, for an older, shorter and fatter woman who she didn’t think was her intellectual equal either. She had no idea what her husband saw in this woman. The third said his wife had left him for another woman, which of course was a big blow for his masculinity. The last one said they had been left for no one at all. It was evident to all of us that, no matter what the circumstances, confidence, and self-esteem take a huge hit.
Each person had a different external experience, their former partners between them had made a whole variety of alternative choices, but for each of their spouses it had the same effect. They all felt rejected and therefore unworthy.
Feeling rejected during divorce highlights our own lack of self-worth
As I pondered more I could also see that underneath those feelings were judgements and opinions about the self that had led to the pain. Value had been given to external appearance, intellectual ability, and sexuality for example. The decision of their previously significant other had exposed those values for what they were, judgements of the self. In other words, sense of self had come up short.
If your relationship has ended because your former partner has moved on, I want you to know that you haven’t been rejected. Yes, your ex made a different choice, and I’m not saying it’s easy to take, but it remains that a choice has been made. Hateful things may have been said and done during the process of parting, and often that’s as a result of the hurt and feelings of guilt and has nothing to do with your worth because you are in charge of your own self-worth.
The decision of others can have painful and significant effects on everyone closely involved. But it doesn’t mean you are not good enough. It’s about their choice. It may not be the choice you wanted them to make but it still remains that it has nothing to do with your worth. Are you getting the idea? ?
You can choose to value yourself, instead of feeling rejected by divorce
I’m reminded of a slightly annoying old joke an elderly family friend loved to tell about a woman who bought her partner two ties for his birthday. The partner went upstairs and came down proudly wearing one of them. She said, ‘What’s wrong with the other one?’ Well of course the answer is absolutely nothing!
I’m not saying the choice is as simple as choosing a tie, what I am saying is we make choices all the time in life. Because someone has changed their mind, because they have made a different choice, it says nothing about your value. Which is why your focus needs to be on your sense of self value and respect. Their decision is simply highlighting where you need to look to improve the quality of your own life.
Just because your relationship has ended says nothing about your value as a human being.
Just because your relationship has ended says nothing about your value as a human being. You have value, you will always have value, no one can take that away. But you can deny it, and that denial leads to the pain. Which is why your focus needs to be on cementing your sense of self value and respect.
Yes, divorce is painful and can be traumatic, as well as having far reaching effects, but none of it is about you being anything less than you really are.
You have choices as well
You can go forward and create the best life you can for yourself.
And therefore, stay in the pain and suffering of the lie of feeling rejected and inadequate.
Now of course you may feel that your ex never needed to make a different choice in the first place, and the feelings of betrayal can run very deep. So that is what I will look at in the next email.
In the meantime, cheering you on as you create your new life!
Have you checked out my book ‘Rise Again After Divorce’ yet?
It’s available as an eBook, paperback and on audio and you can find it on Amazon here