I'm not keen on New Year's Resolutions because they imply we are not good enough…
Fear of loneliness around divorce is often one of the reasons that people stay in an unhappy relationship.
Many fear that they’re going to be lonely if they part ways. And so they are prepared to have just a little bit of human contact rather than risk being lonely.
Loneliness is also something that can be felt acutely, particularly during the early days of a relationship breakup or a divorce. Breakup is a time when we’re very aware of being on our own. We realise we have to face the future and make our decisions on our own.
But there’s a conundrum around feelings of loneliness in these circumstances. Being with people can be a very lonely place if you don’t feel connected with them.
There was a famous story that came to prominence in the 1960’s. It was discovered that a student at a major university had scratched a plea on a desk in a huge and busy lecture theatre. ‘Why am I so lonely when I’m surrounded by so many people?’
The point here is that we can be lonely with people and then we can be lonely when we’re by ourselves.
Here’s the big question about loneliness
Is loneliness about our lack of relationships with other people in our lives, in particular an intimate and close relationship? Or, is it a reflection of our relationship with ourselves?
It’s not the absence of people that makes us lonely. It’s more about having a really good relationship with ourselves that is going to ease those feelings we label loneliness. It might be we miss having someone to help with jobs around the house. Or perhaps we are feeling we’re missing out, while others seem to be getting on with their lives and having more fun. it can show itself in hundreds of different ways.
Of course relationships with others are important, we are social beings for sure. We all enjoy being with like-minded others where we can be relaxed, share, enjoy each other’s company, and get on well. It’s also true that if we don’t have a good relationship with ourselves, we won’t have the best of relationships with others.
Be your own best friend
For this reason it’s important to be your own best friend and to understand yourself. If you don’t understand yourself how can you expect somebody else to understand you? We can then slip into a pattern of expecting others to save us from ourselves in some way.
When you develop a loving relationship with yourself that’s something that absolutely no one can take away from you. It gives you that inner strength and you’re not reliant on other people to fill in any gaps in your life. You become perfectly capable of filling your own gaps. Then anything anyone else can bring to your life is the icing on the cake, a bonus. Not essential, but wonderful nonetheless.
When you have a loving relationship with yourself you’re more confident, self-sufficient and more comfortable in your own company.
Become someone you want to spend time with
To overcome loneliness become the person you want to be with. Then not only will you enjoy being with yourself, you’re going to attract people in your life that are also going to be those that you want to be with. And you will enjoy being with each other, not out of any duty, or fear of being alone, but because you all want to spend time together. And if others want to do something else at some point, it’s not a problem. When you are happy to do you, you can be happy to allow them to do them.
In essence, becoming your own best friend will ease any loneliness around divorce.
Cheering you on in your new life,
Have you checked out my book ‘Rise Again After Divorce’ yet?
It’s available as an eBook, paperback and on audio and you can find it on Amazon here