I'm not keen on New Year's Resolutions because they imply we are not good enough…
Divorce can bring out the best and the worst in us. You can both (eventually) rise to new heights, but you can also find yourself wailing in despair ‘I don’t recognise the person I married!’ How can you make the best of your breakup, as well as do that in the shortest possible time?
Can the breakup really be for the best?
The breakup can bring out your best because it’s possible to draw on resources you didn’t know you had. From the depths of desperation, it is possible to find the strength to turn your life around. You will find you can go in directions that are so much more fulfilling than you thought conceivable before. You can rise to challenges, meet new goals, find new independence and even find a path for yourself in a way that was never before thought achievable.
It’s like being catapulted beyond your own resistance. Then, finding that resistance is futile, the pieces of the jigsaw can fall into place.
I know of many people who can now say with true honesty, that their life now is so much better than when they were together. Instead of saying ‘I don’t recognise the person I married’ they find themselves saying, I love my life now! I include here even those, or perhaps even especially those, for whom the breakup was a huge shock and when it felt like their whole world was falling apart.
But what about the worst?
The emotional pain and the triggers happening are intense and overwhelming. The loss of trust can be so distressing, we find ourselves grieving the loss of the person we thought we knew so well. If we are honest, just as we are saying ‘I don’t recognise the person I married’ they, for whatever reason, may well be saying the same thing. This stage is a phase many go through while the wounds are raw and our reactions powerfully strong.
You can’t change the other person. Things may settle down or they may not. What you can change are your own reactions and responses. Pause before replying to an inflammatory message and take time to consider your responses for example. Step by step you will start to build a good foundation again for yourself, rather than feed the drama and destruction.
Care for yourself, be kind and gentle with yourself. You are going through a major life change, quite possibly a whole perspective change. Healing needs to take place and boundaries to be redrawn. It can feel like total chaos and turmoil at the time. But if you make some space for self-care in amongst it all will help you ease through it so you can find true happiness and a fulfilling life again. And then you find yourself on the other side. It was just temporary adjustments. You can breathe.
With love always